Titanium
by Jenndur
Summary: Ricochet, you shoot us down, but we won't fall. We're titanium, we're bulletproof… Would getting help mean that I would lose myself, who I was? Would things get better or would they just get worse? Self-destructive Isabella learns to overcome the challenges of dealing with BPD. AH/OOC. B/E eventually. *Sequel to Ricochet*
1. Chapter 1

_**This story is rated M.**_

 _ **The original characters and plot of Twilight are the property of Stephenie Meyer. No copyright infringement is intended with this story. After the story is completed, all Twilight references and character names will be changed and copyrighted. Copyright 2017 by Jenndur. This story may not be duplicated, copied, printed or otherwise reproduced in anyway, nor can it be reposted on any other website without the expressed written authorization of the author.**_

 _ **This story contains adult subject matter, strong language, controversial topics, mentions of drug and underage alcohol use, mentions of rape, mentions of self-injury, and consensual sexual content. You have been warned.**_

 **Summary:** Ricochet, you shoot us down, but we won't fall. We're titanium, we're bulletproof… Would getting help mean that I would lose myself, who I was? Would things get better or would they just get worse? Self-destructive Isabella learns to overcome the challenges of dealing with BPD. AH/OOC. B/E eventually.

 **A/N:** Hello! Here is the beginning of Titanium... You should probably read Ricochet before continuing with this story, but you don't have to. It's been years since I last wrote or posted anything, so please be gentle with me. I appreciate any and all reviews, favorites and follows. I no longer use my twitter account, but if you'd like to follow me, you can find me on FB.

ENJOY!

* * *

 **Chapter 1**

 **Isabella POV - May 14th, 2010**

* * *

"Are you ready to go, Isabella?" Kate asked.

 _No_ , I thought to myself. _I doubt I'd ever be ready._

I glanced to the clock on the wall, watching as it counted away the time – hours, minutes, seconds… it had been almost 24 hours since I received my diagnosis.

My diagnosis… Borderline Personality Disorder.

It was scary to even admit to. I wondered briefly if I would have even been diagnosed at all if I hadn't moved to Forks four months ago. Hitting rock bottom was inevitable, that I was sure of. But if I had stayed with Renee and Phil, would I have just slipped under the radar? Would I have even still be alive?

I guess it didn't really matter now because I couldn't change the past. I have BPD and I needed treatment according to Kate and Dr. Cullen.

I knew Kate hadn't moved, still waiting for my response, but I couldn't look at her. I was still too angry that it was her idea to send me to Colorado. It was feeling too much like the last time, when Renee sent me here. She wouldn't deal with my problems, so she handed me off to my dad.

This time around, though, I'm being sent away to someone that can "fix" me.

Honestly, I didn't think this would help at all. Failing would just add to the disappointment from everyone, myself included. If, and that's a really big if, it did work, would I lose myself, who I was? Sure, I barely felt like I knew myself and I didn't really like who I was, but the unknown scared me. Just the thought of change terrified me – good and bad because it was unpredictable.

I think the biggest thing is that regardless of the outcome of treatment, I was scared shitless of losing Edward. It's a lose-lose situation with him.

If I didn't get help and stayed the same, it'd only be a matter of time before he gave up on me and that's something I know I couldn't handle. But if I did get help and get "fixed," who's to say he'd even like that person?

Tears filled my eyes as I wished Edward was here to reassure me again, to give me a breath-squeezing hug. But he wasn't. He'd said his goodbyes yesterday afternoon.

It wasn't fair for me to expect him to show up again, just to torture us both.

"Isabella?" Kate questioned again, gently.

The clock continued to tick away time. It was getting to be extremely close to the last possible minute before we absolutely had to leave. I couldn't wait on Edward to show any longer.

" _Isabella. You need to go. As much as I don't want you to leave, what I want more is for you to get better, to get help. But you've got to want it too. You won't get any help if you don't want to get better for youself."_

…

" _You know how much I love you, and that will never change. Okay?"_

…

" _When you leave, I want you to focus on your and only you. Not us. But when… if the time comes… I'll be waiting."_

He was right.

I did need to go. I didn't want to be this broken girl anymore. I wanted to be different, bet better. I did want the help for myself. But with Edward's promise of waiting for me… for us, ringing in my head, I made the decision.

From the corner of my eye, I could see Kate preparing to call out my name yet again.

"Okay," I breathed. "I'm ready."

Kate smiled softly, gathering one of my bags into her hands before she started out the room, leaving me to follow. I paused for a moment, just inside the door frame, gently pressing my palm to the door before crossing the threshold.

I was silently saying goodbye – to my life here, to the broken girl who'd hit rock bottom.

See you later, Edward.

* * *

 _Welcome to Fort Collins, Colorado._

I sighed, feeling anxiety creeping up on me. It was dark as we drove up the gravel path. It felt a lot like driving up to the Cullen household, but my nerves reminded me that it was not their house. Instead it was a large gated property. It had a few two-story buildings on the premises – that much I could make out.

The car stopped just outside what I assumed was the entrance. A small woman stood in the doorway, waiting for us. She was older and wore a kind smile as she stepped aside to let us inside.

Before I could stop and take everything in, the woman started walking through what appeared to be a small, yet welcoming lobby. She disappeared through another door. My steps slowed, but Kate nudged me to continue on my path.

The office was small, bland with only a few knickknacks. There were quite a few filing cabinets behind her large wooden desk. She sat with a sigh and gestured for us to do the same. I sat carefully and watched Kate set my bags on the floor between our chairs.

"Welcome to Clearview, Isabella," the woman said, drawing my attention back to her. "My name is Sandra, and I'll be checking you in and making sure you get settled in."

I just nodded minutely.

"Let's get started then. I'm sure you're tired from your long trip and would like to get to bed." I didn't say anything again. I _was_ tired – exhausted even – but I didn't think I'd be getting sleep anytime soon. Not a restful sleep, anyway. "Now, normally we'd be filling out paperwork first, but your parents have already done that. It was faxed over this morning, but if I could get you to review the information to make sure its correct to the best of your knowledge and then sign and date it in the appropriate places."

I nodded, reaching out to take the small stack of papers. So that's what my parents were working on this morning. I stared at the papers, not really checking for mistakes. That was my parents' responsibility. I wasn't the one who decided to check myself into this facility.

I leaned forward, resting the papers on the desk and grabbed a pen to sign my name. I set the pen down on top of the stack and fell back into my chair. It was uncomfortable.

"Okay, we'll be getting you to fill out a personal addition history and do some diagnostic and drug testing. We'll also need to perform a physical exam. But since it's so late, we can leave that all for the morning. Just one thing left."

She looked to Kate, who then placed all my bags up on the desk. I didn't understand what was going on, until Sandra began unzipping one of my bags. I protested loudly as she pulled items out of my bag.

"What the fuck are you doing?" I yelled at her.

Kate tried to calm me, shushing me gently and telling me to relax. I wasn't having it. At my outburst, Sandra paused.

"Isabella, I'm checking your belongings for items such as illegal substances and or weapons. We do not tolerate these here at Clearview, and if you are caught with any of the items on this list" – she handed me a laminated paper to look over – "you will no longer be able to stay at this facility."

"Okay," I replied, but stayed at the edge of my seat. I really didn't like a stranger going through my stuff. She took a few things, like my nail clippers, and said I'd get them back once my stay here was over.

Sandra also had to strip-search me. I begged and pleaded with Kate to tell Sandra that she didn't need to do that. I'd been with Kate the entire time, from the hospital to here.

"It's procedure, Isabella," Sandra said in a firm, but apologetic tone. "I'll be quick," she promised.

True to her word, it didn't take long. She then led us down a dim hallway, her shoes clacked loudly as it broke up the silence. I counted each clack, up to 47, before we stopped at a darkened door.

"This'll be your room," Sandra said softly, opening the door.

I walked in and let her give me a short tour. I had a private bedroom and bathroom. I briefly wondered how my parents were going to afford that, but I honestly didn't care.

The room was small, as was the bathroom. A plain twin bed was tucked away in a corner with a nightstand that held a lamp and an alarm clock. Next to that was a large chair that looked comfortable. On the other side of the room, under the dark windows, was a desk and a book shelf.

I sighed heavily. This would be my new home for who knew how long. I set my bags on the edge of the bed and sat down beside them.

"In the morning," Sandra began, "I'll find you around eight thirty so we can finish the intake process. After we're done, you'll meet Dr. Peters. Breakfast is at eight and I'll have one of the girls show you around." I nodded curtly to show her I heard her. "I'll give you two a few minutes to say goodbye then."

She left the door ajar, which I hated. Just another thing I guess I'd have to get used to.

"I think you'll like Dr. Peters. Garrett went to school with Carlisle and me. He's very good," Kate said from her spot in the chair.

What did she want me to say? I'd had a difficult time trying to open myself up and talk with her. And now she expected me to do this, with a dude no less.

As I'd been doing all evening, I nodded in response. She grabbed her purse and pulled out a small book. She handed it to me, and upon further inspection, I realized it was a journal.

"I wanted to give you that because I know how hard it is for you to talk about how you're feeling sometimes. It might be easier to gather your thoughts this way."

"Thanks," I replied gruffly, trying to keep the tears at bay, and set it on top of my duffle.

She smiled softly and stood up straight. She opened her arms, offering me a hug. I bolted up, wrapping myself around her. Tears blurred my vision as I begged her to stay, to not leave me.

"You're overwhelmed, I know. Just take some deep breaths. You'll be okay. You'll get through this," she whispered in my ear. She held me until I was calm again. "You'll be fine." She moved away, breaking our connection as she gathered her purse.

"Bye, Kate," I said roughly.

"Goodbye, Isabella." She closed the door behind her.

I was left alone in my new room. No longer having to hold it together, I burst into loud sobs, curling into myself on top of the covers of my bed. The last person I knew just walked out of my life, leaving me on my own.


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2**

 **Isabella POV – May 15, 2010 to August 1, 2010**

* * *

I was right.

I slept for shit last night, only falling into a brief state of unconsciousness when my sobs subsided. Some time in the night, someone poked their head in for a round of checks, which I really hoped wouldn't be occurring too often during my stay here.

I was even more exhausted now than I was when I entered this place last night, and on top of it, I had a killer headache from the lack of sleep and my crying fit last night. I doubted I'd get anything for the pain I was currently feeling.

A knock sounded on my door, but I refused to move from my position on the bed. I wondered if I could get away with not getting up. I didn't want to face the reality of being in a new place, surrounded by people who were just as fucked up as me or people who were there to try to fix what was wrong with me.

Another knock sounded, and I sighed, standing up as my joints popped loudly from a lack of movement. I walked over and opened the door to find a girl around my age. She stood around the same height as me, with shoulder length blonde hair. Her blue eyes were hooded, looking like she was permanently high.

"Hey. Sorry if I woke you, but Sandra sent me to show you to breakfast. I'm Charlotte, by the way," the girl said.

I stared at her, deliberating what would happen if I refused to leave my room. I just wanted to be alone and think about Edward. I missed him so much already. But then I remembered what he said when I saw him last:

" _You've got to want it too. You wont get any help if you don't want to get better for yourself."_

So with that in mind, I took that first step into immersing myself into my healing.

"It's okay. You didn't wake me. I'm Isabella."

"Nice to meet you. You ready to go?"

"Yeah. Let's go."

* * *

"Isabella, this is Sasha, Maggie, Kim, Lucy, Emily, and Bree," Charlotte introduced. "Guys, this is Isabella."

Everyone at the table echoed hellos of their own as they continued eating, except Bree, who shot me a dirty look before pushing away from the table and storming out of the room.

"Don't mind Bree. She gets a little moody when she doesn't get sleep. She's in the room next to yours," Charlotte said.

Great. So I kept this Bree girl up with my crying and now I've pissed her off. It didn't even occur to me that I was being disruptive. Oh well, there wasn't anything I could do about it now.

I grabbed a piece of toast and poured myself a cup of coffee, and sat quietly as I listened to the other girls chatting away at the table. I nibbled on the toast, not really hungry, but I wasn't sure when I'd be able to eat next. I didn't join in the conversation – I didn't want to get to know these girls and I didn't want them to know me.

It felt like forever before Sandra appeared, leading me away to finish the intake process. I followed her to her office where she handed me a clipboard with a few sheets of paper attached.

I leaned back in the uncomfortable chair, tucking my legs under me as I read through the questions on my personal addiction survey. Is drinking or drug use affecting my reputation? _Obviously_. Do I turn to lower companions and an inferior environment when drinking or using drugs? _I don't know, you tell me._ Does it make me careless of my family's welfare? _Did I look like I cared?_ Do I crave a drink or a drug at a definite time daily? _Probably._ Do I want a drink or drug the next morning? _Definitely._ Does it cause me to have difficulties in sleeping? _Nope. It helped me._ Do I drink or use drugs to escape from worries or troubles? _Well, that's a yes._ Have I ever been in a hospital or institution on account of drinking or drug use?

I snorted quietly to myself at the last question, before writing my answer. Then I had to write my drugs of choice – Vicodin, but really anything I could get my hands on, including alcohol. Whatever helped me achieve a state of numbness.

After finishing that sheet up, I moved on to the diagnostic screening test. I couldn't figure out why I had to do this since Kate had already screened me and gave me the diagnosis of BPD, but whatever. I answered honestly on all the questions before handing the clipboard back to Sandra.

Immediately, I was led down the hall to a bathroom and was handed a small plastic cup. Sandra explained that she needed to collect a sample for a drug test. She followed me into the bathroom, stating she needed to supervise me, and I wondered if I'd ever have any real privacy in this place. Afterward, I had a quick physical examination before I was on my way to meet Dr. Peters.

I was so nervous that I felt like I was going to throw up.

I didn't think I could do this… talk to this guy about the inner workings of my mind. Hell, I could barely talk to Kate. I couldn't image what would have happened if I had shared with her about everything, from the abandonment issues to the sexual abuse. Maybe if I had shared more, she would have let me stay there and would have continued to be my therapist. Even if she didn't, she wouldn't have sent me to talk to this guy.

Why, oh why did I let it get this far?

I could be at home, still snuggled up in bed, sleeping. Maybe I'd hang out with Edward or with one of my other friends. I'd more than likely be high out of my mind.

That realization stops me in my tracks.

That's exactly why I'm here. Being here was inevitable. It was in the cards fate dealt me. And the last card I flipped over, sent me here.

I stopped in front of the daunting door with the placard that read Dr. Garrett Peters. Sandra stood beside me, and seemed to know that I needed a moment to get myself together. My heart was racing, I felt short of breath, and I was breaking out in a cold sweat.

I thought of Edward and how if I didn't do this – knock on Dr. Peter's door and confront my demons – I'd never get back to him. I'd be stuck in this life, never really moving forward, while he'd continue waiting for me, until he didn't anymore.

I couldn't let that happen.

I raised my left hand and knocked loudly on the door. I heard a deep, muffled voice call out to come in. My heart raced double time, but I continued on.

The room was warm and inviting, so was Dr. Peters – definitely not what I was expecting. He was tall and lanky, but was just as good-looking as Dr. Cullen. He looked relaxed in his semi-casual outfit – jeans with a button down and a jacket.

"Isabella, I'm Dr. Garrett Peters. Please feel free to call me Dr. Peters, or Garrett, if you prefer," he greeted, offering me his hand.

When I refused to acknowledge his greeting, he took it in stride, quickly gesturing for me to take a seat wherever I please. I chose to sit on the couch as far away from his chair as I could possibly get, grabbing a throw pillow and hugging it to my torso.

"So, I was just looking over your file from Forks, as well as the paperwork you've filled out here," he started. "I figured we could use this first session to get to know each other and take it easy."

"Okay," I replied, unsure.

"I'm not sure if you know this already, but I went to school with both Kate and Carlisle years ago. I've been in this field for over 20 years and I specialize in the treatment of Borderline Personality Disorder. I've been working at Clearview for the last six years.

"I know Kate has given you some idea of what BPD is, but during this session, I'll be discussing the definition, along with the signs and symptoms. I'll also cover treatment and therapy plans with you, and whether or not we'll be considering the use of medications as part of your treatment.

"As I said, I'd looked over your file earlier, and I've gathered quite a bit of information from that, but I'd like to hear more from you about yourself and why you think you're here," he ended as he sunk farther back into his chair, crossing his right leg over his left knee and picking up a legal pad to take notes.

I took a deep breath and finally pushed past the barrier in my mind that normally would've prevented me from talking to him, or anyone really, and I began telling him about myself.

* * *

 _ **May 21, 2010**_

 _ **It's been a week since I was sent away from Forks. What the fuck am I doing here? I miss home. I miss my friends. And I miss Edward. So fucking much.**_

 _ **This is so stupid. I feel ridiculous writing in this stupid fucking book, telling it all my fucking secrets, except they're not really secrets because everyone here knows how much I don't want to be here. It's so hard because I know what Edward would say to me. He'd tell me to talk to Dr. Peters so that I can get better and come home to him. But he doesn't get how hard that is. None of them do.**_

 _ **Ugggh. I feel like complete and utter shit. Dr. Peters says I'm going through withdrawal. I've come to the realization though, that if I didn't have to give up the pills and alcohol, I wouldn't be feeling like this. I'd be feeling numb. And I'd rather feel numb than feel sick.**_

 _ **I don't know if I can survive this… going through the withdrawals, going to individual and group therapy. It's the same shit… over and over.**_

 _ **I'm so mad at Charlie and Renee for fucking agreeing with Carlisle and Kate to send me to this fucking place. I'm mad at Alice and the rest of my friends. And I'm mad at Edward. He's so far out of my reach. I feel like I'll never get to where he needs me to be…**_

 _ **Fuck this shit.**_

* * *

 _ **May 26, 2010**_

 _ **Thirteen fucking days I've been in this hell hole.**_

 _ **It's been thirteen days since my life has been put on hold. What the actual fuck? I was supposed to be graduating with my friends in a week, but now I'm not. I'm stuck here, dealing with the demons I don't want to deal with, while my friends are moving on with their lives. It's not fair! I bet they all have demons of their own and they aren't stuck here like me. Why the fuck couldn't my demons just have chilled the fuck out?**_

 _ **I still feel like shit. I'm getting more and more pissed every day with Dr. Peters because this withdrawal shit isn't ending and I need it to stop. He's patient with me despite me being a complete bitch, but I know it's only a matter of time before he gives up on helping me too. I'm not being honest and open with him. I'm still keeping secrets… I can't help it.**_

 _ **Maybe if I just tell him what he wants to hear… would he see through me?**_

* * *

 _ **June 3, 2010**_

 _ **It's graduation day, and I'm missing out on it.**_

 _ **I should be there with all my friends, walking the stage with Charlie cheering me on. But instead, I'm stuck in my senior year and I don't know if I'll ever be a high school graduate. I wonder if my friends are even thinking about me… missing me?**_

 _ **I've been extra bitchy today because I'm missing out on this. Earlier during my session with Dr. Peters, I sat in his office for an hour, refusing to talk about anything… how I was feeling or what was bothering me. Talking to him won't change anything and it won't make me feel better.**_

 _ **I just want to be left alone.**_

 _ **I'd gladly give anything just to feel numb again… to not feel any of this other crap.**_

 _ **I wish I could go back to the day I went cliff diving. To float into nothingness again…**_

 _ **I wish they hadn't pulled me out of the water. Then I wouldn't be here, feeling like this.**_

* * *

 _ **June 11, 2010**_

 _ **It's been a month. It feels like it's been longer than that, but I'm keeping count of the days. I don't even know how long they plan on keeping me here. It feels like I'll never get out of here…**_

 _ **I'm terrified to go to sleep at night again. The nightmares have started back up. And I know that's why Bree keeps shooting me dirty looks – my nightmare are keeping her up too.**_

 _ **Dr. Peters knows about the nightmares as well. He keeps pushing me to talk about them… to talk about the things I just don't want to talk about, let alone think about.**_

 _ **No, I don't want to talk about Renee or Phil. Or Charlie. Or my friends back in Forks. Or what happened last month. I just don't want to talk about any of it…**_

* * *

 _ **June 20, 2010**_

 _ **Today is Edward's birthday.**_

 _ **I wonder if he's missing me right now… if he's even thinking of me. I miss him like crazy.**_

 _ **It's been a bad day for me.**_

 _ **Renee called here for me. I refused to talk to her. I don't know why they allow me to receive calls, but I can't call out to anyone.**_

 _ **Why hasn't he called me? Has he already forgotten me?**_

 _ **I refused to do my part of the daily chores today too. I just wanted to go to my room and wallow. This was the final straw for Bree, I guess. She went after me and we got into a fight. The orderlies had to break us up and I got sent to see Dr. Peters almost immediately.**_

 _ **I just sat there…**_

 _ **I feel like I'm going crazy here. Isn't this place supposed to have the opposite effect?**_

* * *

 _ **July 4, 2010**_

 _ **It's my first real holiday alone – no friends or family to celebrate with. Instead, I'm stuck here with a bunch of people I could care less about.**_

 _ **I wonder what Edward is doing right now… Is he barbecuing with his family? Maybe our friends are celebrating at the Cullens? Maybe everyone went to Port Angeles for a firework show? Maybe they're all at a house party, having fun and drinking…**_

 _ **What I wouldn't give for a stiff drink, maybe popping some pills.**_

 _ **I can't remember the last time I went this long being clean…**_

* * *

 _ **July 9, 2010**_

 _ **Two months… eight weeks total.**_

 _ **I feel like I'm in some sort of limbo, not really moving forward or backward. I'm so tired of being angry, of being sad, of being scared. Edward could still be waiting for me to get my shit together, while I'm here, not putting in any effort. And I can't just expect him to wait around forever.**_

 _ **Maybe I should really open up to Dr. Peters, instead of saying what I think he wants to hear… Can I really make myself go through the painful parts of my past?**_

 _ **Maybe my time here would be easier to deal with if I had friends…**_

 _ **Can I really do this?**_

* * *

 _ **August 1, 2010**_

 _ **It's been almost three months.**_

 _ **I've really been trying to work through my problems with Dr. Peters, but it's so hard because it hurts so much. He says I'm making great progress, but I'm not too sure I agree with that.**_

 _ **Every time I want to quit or have to deal with a craving to feel nothing but numbness, I can hear Edward in my head.**_

 _ **I still haven't heard from him… and I'm still not allowed to make any outside calls. Where is he? What is he doing?**_

 _ **Things haven't gotten any better between Bree and me, but I have been hanging out more with Charlotte and Maggie. Having some people on friendly terms is definitely helping make this easier.**_

 _ **Maybe it is possible this is helping… but I guess only time will tell.**_


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3**

 **Edward POV – May 28, 2010**

* * *

 _What's the big deal, Edward… we'll all be there with her…_

 _That's who I am… if you don't like it, then leave…_

 _That night you called me Bella and it just… it just brought me back to that night… I keep having nightmares, and it's always the same…_

 _You want me to stay away from him… then give me a fucking reason…_

… _overdosed… we're still not sure what she took, but we're running tests as we speak… we've pumped her stomach…_

 _She made me promise not to tell anyone… she said she was going to tell you soon…_

1:38 am

 _Edward… I love you…_

 _Come with me… Please, Edward… I need you... Don't you love me…_

 _Kate and your dad, they both think I should go to a treatment facility… Somewhere in Colorado… She thinks I have borderline personality disorder..._

 _It's not your fault, Edward… There was nothing you could have done… This was bound to happen._

 _There's plenty that I've done for you to be mad about…_

 _Come with me… I can't do this without you…_

3:16 am

 _What's wrong, Cullen… jealous she'd rather spend time with me… obviously you're not keeping her satisfied if she has to come looking for my company…._

 _There's nothing to talk about… Let go of me or I'll scream until you do…_

 _She's acting crazy and you know it…_

 _Maybe I like reckless and dangerous…_

 _You can't save me… I can't be fixed… I'll destroy you, if I haven't already…_

4:54 am

I sighed deeply and rolled from my side to my back, reaching my hands up and roughly gripping my hair. There was so much I wished I could have done differently when it came to Isabella. She was wrong. I could have done something, anything to save her from herself.

The incident in the parking lot at school when she got drunk… I should have stopped her from leaving. I should have gone with her to her house. I should have called her dad and told him what happened.

When we found her in the forest behind her house and she was hospitalized from overdosing… I should have shared my opinion of a possible mental illness with my parents. I should have tried to fight to get her to continue seeing Kate.

When she got into a fight with Jessica and later a fight with me at a party that night… I shouldn't have let her go. I should have told my mom the truth – that we weren't going to the movies. I should have kept her by my side at that party.

When she broke up with me and jumped off that cliff… When she ran away from Black's house and got into that car accident… I should have stopped her. I should have told someone.

It was all my fault.

Too many times had I seen Isabella come close to death, and I could have stopped it from getting that far.

It kills me to know how things could have ended. We'd gotten lucky so many times in the past. How many more times would luck have been on our side?

 _BEEP. BEEP. BEEP._

I sighed again, releasing my hair and reaching over to turn off my alarm clock. I dragged my body out of bed and slowly got ready for school. I felt like I was on autopilot, just going through the motions.

I made it silently down the stairs and into the kitchen where I found my mother, making coffee. I turned, hoping to escape unnoticed, but she happened to catch me.

"Edward?"

"Morning, Mom," I replied, turning back into the kitchen.

"What are you doing up so early?" she questioned, concern burning in her eyes.

"Couldn't sleep," I answered, throwing myself down in a chair at the table. "There's too much going on in my head."

My mom stepping away from the coffee pot and moved towards me, taking a seat as well. "Want to talk about it?"

"Not really…"

"I'm concerned, Edward. You haven't been yourself…" she trailed off. She knows why I haven't been myself – my girlfriend tried to kill herself and was sent away for treatment.

"I know. I'm sorry, Mom," I apologized.

"Have you been sleeping?" she questioned, raising her palm to my cheek. I closed my eyes, momentarily basking in the support my mom offered.

"Not really." I shook my head. "Every time I close my eyes, I see her… I see her when we found her almost dead outside her house. I see her jumping off the cliff into the ocean. I see her truck rolling into a tree and her hanging lifelessly in her truck… There was so many times I could have done something that could have prevented all of this."

"Oh, Edward." Her heart was breaking. I just know it was. She pulled me into her arms, wrapping me tightly in her embrace. She needed this just as much as I did. We stayed like this for a few minutes, the silence deafening. She finally pulled back, placing both her hands on the side of my face and looking me straight in the eyes. "This was not your fault."

I shook my head, trying to pull away from her grasp.

"No, listen to me," she said forcefully. "You are not responsible for what happened. Any of it."

"Yes, I am!" I yelled. "I knew about the drugs and the drinking. I knew that something wasn't right, and I didn't stop her. I didn't try to until it was too late."

"You can't change the past, darling. You can't let this guilt and regret feaster or it'll eat you alive. Please, Edward," she pleaded, a tear falling down her cheek.

"I can't help it, Mom." I felt close to tears myself. Saying all this out loud made it that much more real. "I should have done something."

"You loved her. You did what you thought was right at the time."

"I still love her, but I failed her."

"She's still alive, Edward, and she getting treatment. You didn't fail her," my mom reasoned.

I couldn't find it in me to try to argue anymore. I turned away, leaning against the tabletop and dropping my head into my hands. I groaned as she rubbed my back in soothing circles.

"I miss her."

"I know you do. I miss her too," my mom replied quietly. "But sitting here, thinking about the 'what ifs' and wading in regrets, isn't doing anything for her or yourself. It's okay to miss her, but don't forget to keep living your life. Don't lose yourself."

"I'm sorry. You're right. She wouldn't want me to be like this."

"It's okay to be sad. I love you, Edward. I just don't want to see you hurting so much."

"I love you too, Mom."

"I'm always here for you. You know that right?"

"Yeah, I do. Thanks, Mom." I hugged her once more.

"Why don't you go see if Alice is up and finish getting ready for school while I make breakfast," my mom suggested.

"Okay."

* * *

"Come on, Edward. We're gonna be late to school," Alice said.

"Go ahead without me," I replied. "I'll catch up in a minute. I wanna talk to Dad real quick."

"Are you sure? I can wait for you."

"Yeah. I'll see you at school soon."

I waited until I heard the garage door close before I walked to my dad's home office. He was getting ready to leave for work, but I needed to talk to him. I needed to know if he had any news about Isabella. I went up to the door, pushing it open slightly as I knocked on the doorframe.

"Dad? You got a minute?"

"Sure. Come on in. What can I do for you, son?"

"Have you heard anything new about Isabella?" I asked.

He sighed, pausing to look at me. "I haven't. I know she made it safely to the treatment facility, but she's under their care now, Edward. There's a patient confidentiality law that prevents them from sharing information about Isabella with me, as I am no longer her doctor."

I nodded, feeling disappointed. It's been two weeks and I haven't heard any real news about her. I've asked everyday and it's always the same answer.

"When she's allowed to, she'll call you if she wants to talk," my dad offered. "Just relax. She's in good hands, and is getting the help she needs."

I nodded again.

"Was there anything else you needed?"

"No. That was it," I replied, turning to walk away. I was going to be late for school.

"Edward?" I stopped, looking back. "Your mother filled me in on your conversation this morning. You know that we're always here for you if you need us, but if you want to talk to someone professionally, someone like Kate, we can do that too. It might help with everything going on in your head."

"I'll think about it, and let you know," I offered in return.

* * *

School hadn't been the same since Isabella was sent to Colorado two weeks ago. The Monday after she left, rumors began spreading like wild fire and had yet to slow down. Each rumor was more outrageous than the last, and I didn't know if I could continue to listen to the whispers flying around the halls.

I was glad I was late today. I was able to avoid my friends until lunch.

"Edward, where've you been, man?" Emmett called out, waving me over to our table. "We didn't see you this morning."

"Hey guys," I said, sinking down into a chair at the table. I tried not to notice the empty chair beside mine, where my girl should have been sitting. "I needed to talk to my dad this morning, and ended up being late."

"Everything okay?" Emmett asked, quietly,

"Yeah," I replied just as quietly. "I was just checking in with him to see if he had any news about Isabella."

"What'd he say?" Alice questioned.

"Same as last time," I sighed.

Each of my friends muttered that they were sorry, but I just shrugged. I know they were worried about me and about Isabella, and they wanted me to talk about it. They could see the effect this situation was leaving on me, but there was nothing they could do to ease my guilt. After the conversation I'd had with my mom this morning, I just wanted to move past this. And I told them this.

Biology class was probably the most difficult part of my days lately. It was the only class Isabella and I had shared, and every time I realized she wouldn't be there anymore, was like a punch to the gut. I missed her so much.

After school ended, I made my way to my locker to grab the books I would need and deposit the books I didn't need. As I shut my locker door, I spotted Chief Swan cleaning out Isabella's locker – another punch to the gut.

It hit me like a ton of bricks, and I felt like I couldn't breathe. She was really gone… and she wasn't coming back.

Drawing in a deep breath, I made my way over, stopping just a foot away.

"How is she, Chief?" I questioned in place of a greeting.

He paused, glancing up toward me. "Edward," he said with a slight nod. "How're you?"

"Please, Chief. I need to know how she's doing."

"She's doing… okay. Still learning to adjust to the facility," he responded, turning away from me to focus again on clearing out her locker. He tried to discretely clear his throat. I knew this was difficult for him.

"When can I talk to her?"

"She'll give you a call when she's ready, son."

"Will you keep me updated?" I requested. "I miss her."

He closed the now empty locker and turned back to me. He had a sad smile on his face and placed his hand on my shoulder in support. "I miss her too."

I didn't miss the fact that he avoided giving me an answer to my question. But before I could address this, he was on his way. I watched him walk away with the answers I needed about my girl. Just as he went out of my view, Alice appeared.

"Edward," she said, grabbing ahold of my hand. "What'd he say?"

"Nothing Dad hasn't already said. Why can't they just tell me how she's doing? Why is it such a big secret?"

Alice didn't know how to respond, so she just continued to hold my hand and leaned into my shoulder. She missed Isabella, too.

"It's just not fair, Alice," I complained.

"I know. But it'll be okay, Edward. We'll hear from Isabella again soon."

I was thankful that Alice had enough hope for the both of us, because I had lost mine the moment Isabella left.


End file.
